I've often criticized the media for lacking objectivity when dealing with the allegations against Michael Jackson. It suddenly occurred to me that I was being completely hypocritical. How unfair of me to assume that he is innocent just because the father of his first accuser admittedly plied his son with a memory altering drug and was caught on tape discussing a plan to destroy Michael Jackson. I now see the error of my ways and have decided to entertain the notion that Michael Jackson might be guilty. I've taken on the role of the accused and looked at this from the perspective of a guilty man. Here's what I came up with:
NOTE: While this page is supposed to be satirical, the above scenario is solely based on information that has come from the prosecution's side. Seriously.
Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, the most selective pedophile in the world. While most child molesters have hundreds of victims, I have a one boy every ten year average. The thing is, I'm only attracted to kids who have greedy, lawsuit-happy parents. Remember back in 1993? Let me refresh your memory.
Evan Chandler, the father of my first victim, demanded $20 million in return for his silence. I had every intention of paying him off eventually but I decided to let him turn me in first. I figured it would be fun to be publicly humiliated, strip searched, investigated by the police and all that other great stuff that comes along with being accused of sexual abuse. There was that little problem of going to jail but luckily for me, I came up with this brilliant plan to pay the boy not to testify (gee, what a concept! I wish I'd thought of this when Evan Chandler first tried to blackmail me). It seems, however, that there's a typo in the settlement document because apparently it says that the boy and his family could have still testified against me in a criminal trial... WHOOPS!
Even though my stupid lawyers messed up my witness tampering plan, I still got off because the kid didn't want to testify against me in the criminal trial. Neither did his parents; it seems that once they got their paycheck, the Chandlers no longer felt it was necessary to get justice for their poor molested son. Talk about good luck, huh? The first boy I decided to molest just happened to have parents who were willing to prostitute their kid. Evan even asked a judge to allow him to release an album of songs about the abuse. Cool, huh? That Evan Chandler is a great guy.
For the next ten years I went cold turkey. That all changed after a little documentary called "Living with Michael Jackson" aired. I knew the kid who was shown on the documentary for almost two years and never touched him until after I paraded him around on national television and talked about our innocent, non-sexual sleepovers. Then everybody started saying that something sexual was going on and I thought, "Hey that's not a bad idea. But shit, he'll probably turn me in if I molest him so lemme hire a lawyer first." Then I called Mark Geragos and asked him to defend me in a crime that I hadn't committed yet.
Once I had the right legal representation, everything was set. The family and I were still on friendly terms at this point but I kidnapped them all, stole their furniture and forced them to say nice things about me on camera. Why did I go to all that trouble? Well, I wanted to improve my image after the Martin Bashir documentary aired (don't ask how the furniture fits into all of this). For some reason, however, I didn't include the footage of the family in my rebuttal video to Bashir's documentary... kinda defeats the purpose of my kidnapping scheme, huh? After getting their statements on tape, I then molested the boy even though the whole point of the conspiracy was to convince the world that I wasn't a child molester. Wrap your head around that one.
Now you're probably thinking I'm a total asshole at this point but I swear, I wasn't that bad to the family. I bought them gifts, gave them my credit cards, allowed them to go on shopping sprees, let them visit their civil lawyers - how many other child molesting kidnappers extend such priviliges to their victims? Shit, I even let the mother phone a friend and everything. From what I hear she actually told her friend - let's call him Jamie Masada - that I was holding her against her will. Hey, don't look at me. It's not my fault that the idiot didn't bother contacting the police.
Anyway, things were going according to my plan until I found out the Department of Children and Family Services and the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department were going to launch an investigation. Luckily, my entire staff knew about what was going on, accompanied the kid to his interview and intimidated him into saying nothing was wrong. For some reason, the DCFS and the SBCSD didn't pick up on the fact that the family was being held hostage. Strange huh? Oh well, in the words of my man Tom Sneddon, "it's LA, what do you expect?" Wait a minute... his department investigated too. Ah, whatever, either way I was cleared of any wrongdoing. Although it was a close call, I decided to molest the kid after being investigated by authorities. Makes sense, right?
My plan hit another glitch when the family escaped from Neverland. For whatever reason, they didn't go to the police after their great escape (phew) and I was even able to talk them into coming back. I then came up with a cunning plan to ship them off to Brazil to prevent them from speaking with authorities once I was finished molesting the boy... you know, because there is no way of contacting the Santa Barbara Police Department all the way from Brazil.
There was still the possibility, however, that the family might come across a telephone or a computer in Brazil (a bit far-fetched, I know) so I got Geragos to force the whole family into signing more documents that say I didn't do anything wrong. So basically, my entire staff, Mark Geragos, the DCFS, the SBCSD and all of my friends and family members who visited the ranch during that time period are also to blame. This was a mass conspiracy that was designed just so I could molest this poor boy and steal his mother's furniture.
Yep, the prosecution's case makes perfect sense...